I have been doing alot of research of soul lately. I study what it means to truly believe in the old God of Yahshua. I have a thorn in my side. I know it is my cover, my bridge, that will lead me to a closer walk with the almighty in this broken American structure. I have always had a anticipation of death. Not in the fear sort or the seeing it around the corner but just a dull ache that my time is limited. This ache is not a bother until I realize how far from the picture I am and how easy it is to stray from my purpose. I have been reading about people that have met with God in a way that I will probably not understand on this side of heaven. I have had a near death experience where I can strongly say that I know it is divine that I am writing now and taking deep breathes right before I kiss the faces of those I love. I have seen a glimpse of unmistakable death that places me on a certain playing field when I think of heaven and how near it is. I am reading of human tragedy. I imagined last night that a dark form entered my home last night..a faceless man that entered my home and slaughtered my family. I imagined seeing the villain ripe my children in half as if they were not even worthy of a flinch. After I visioned such a dark occurrence I laid in bed wondering how I could reconcile such events with the shortness of my life. How could I move on with forgiveness towards those that could cause such pain. I knew a woman in Natchitoches that witnessed her husband shoot their children in the head and then shot her. Out of all of them she remained. Her hair never grew very long but she remained. She would serve and smile at our little church. She was childless but never seemed bitter or even alone. I often wonder why God would leave me hear on earth. I was 17 when I almost died. Why not take me then. Every day I wonder how I am going to glorify God. When I started out my life, in marriage and children, I felt as if I abandoned the worlds philosophy on how I should be and wanted more than anything to devote, in the realest sense of my human nature, my family to God. As I still see God moving I also see Him standing still before me. Just this stillness that is starting to aggravate. I bow before...praise Him...stand in His presence. I push at Him plead that He will move out the way. I CAN'T SEE God I can't see...get out of the way! My bones are like mush and my fingers are drying up. My mind is mourning for exercise. My faith seems to be turning into a boil of thoughtless remarks. My anticipation for glorification is my thorn...my eagerness to redeem the time in order that I will not waste it, is making me stand still. I see His meaning and I hear His breath. He will not move until He is ready for me to listen. I know that I am nothing when compared to the faithful few. I am lacking and bitter. As all doubt and unbelief threaten to dissolve this image of Him before me, I can do nothing but seek. Seeking to persuade this God that is so much more than my over medicated mind can comprehend. Though the doubts are there because of my path I cannot forget the tragedy of death and the helplessness of man. The screams of the people that desire healing in a way that self help cannot persuade. As I lean on the Almighty, sometimes banging my head, I know that I am grafted in. There is nothing in my body that is mine.
Thanks Be to God
