The Power of Darkness

In the constant balance of faith and losing faith, i find myself only being constant at failure.

"If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen., how can he love God whom he has not seen?
1 John 4:20

In the smoke and ash, i can finally see, if only for moment. It is funny how you have to only leave destruction and death in order to see the reality of your heart. All this time I felt like I have been fighting for God. Defending His Word with curses and screams. I hate the world yet I feel the evil residing right inside my heart. The hatred that I regard, in the name of Christ has left me as a wounded lion, alone and yearning for death. How is it that "I" have lost my way. I have always envisioned myself differently. "It is faith that is tested" I guess I never understood that until now. When I bound my God by my senses I loose His faith.
How is it that i am missing the whole point of the gospel in which i profess to serve. How is it that i have grown so cold to the knowledge that will save me. How is it that a hypocrite can be the only thing that is existing inside of me. Love is the only way i can make things better. Love is the death of my mind. How is it that I can resist all of myself in order to prove my commitment to God. How is it that in the journey of trials i can only see a glimmer of the Christ head in my body.

So, God
I have acted like liar for all of this test that is set to prove my faith. I am a liar of your Word in which i confess. I hate my brothers and I fill my flesh with all that it asks for. My concept of love is happiness that can only exist if my life is perfect.
So, God
if I confess that i have no substance beyond my flesh and blood, how is it that you prove Your glory on the likes of me. I am creation, I am a vessel that has no fear but one...that you will leave me selfish and faithless. Please help to bind up my faith, and tear out the diseased flesh that resides. In the still and quiet of my existence, i know that you are there waiting.........