To My Beloved:

I have never in my short time expected that life, in general, can be such a challenge in staying clean. The world is filled with shit, for lack of better words, shit that stains and eats away at the center of our flesh. I live my life in constant want to be stronger than the bacteria that lives in my lap. Sometimes when I have really lost my way and the beauty that I once had is out of sight, I resolve to go back to the beginning of my relationship with Christ. I resolve to live for my children with the conflict of heart on the back burner, trying to please all the people in my house, especially the Pink Elephant that lives in the middle of my living room. Sometimes I scream so loudly to Christ. The air is thin and crisp and my voice resonates so loudly that I can almost hear Him screaming back. I fumble and panic with the load of keeping myself clean before Him, husband and myself. I rip and scrape my flesh to show that I can do it. I can stand up to defilement and the beast. In truth, in the moments of shout and pleading, I tremble to see the face of evil--secretly I plead with him not to eat me and my family. I pay homage to his logical conclusion that He nor he exists. I feed him with doubt and insecurity, hoping that he will go away, satisfied that I have nothing left. The closer I get to death the more understanding I have that this is all that we truly have. Death is a constant and humble reminder that I must scream louder. I conclude that the Father in Heaven knows how to be here without us dreaming Him up into existence. I exist because He allows and I still love Him for it. I need to tell, though, that I do not know how to live my life in glory and praise to Him. I have lost my best friend and Father in this sea of doubt. When I was a child and at my dad's house, they would put me in the spare room on a cot. My dad would turn the lights off and I would pull the covers over my head because I knew that the darkness was coming to get me. I could barely breath for fear that I would not make it through the night. I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my fingers inbetween the sheets like my fingers would interlace with Christ himself. I pleaded that the Lord would sleep there in my space with me until the darkness and fear would leave and I could see light through the window. I would cry in prayer and thought of His presence with me. I pray now, just the same, that I will have a morning and that I will have light once again before it is to late.

ColdPlay-The Scientist (For Jason)
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And nurse me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Being One in Spirit and Purpose